Love Day

It wasn't that long ago when Valentine's Day was an incredibly painful time of year...but just as God is a redeemer of our hearts, He is also a redeemer of dates, and Feb. 14th is one of the dates He has redeemed for me...

Valentine's Day 2015 was the day I was basically "introduced" to the man I would soon marry, when a mutual friend had reached out to me asking if I wanted to meet a great guy from NY. I was never one for being set up, and would usually always say no - especially if it was long distance - but the fact that she had known him for 10 years made it seem like he wasn't a total stranger, so I said yes.

The next day, Feb. 15th, we officially started chatting on FB, and before you knew it, we had our first phone conversation within the week...4 hours long! Unbelievable! I was blown away, and immediately called another girlfriend to let her know what was happening and to ask her to pray and see if she felt any red flags or anything else from the Lord.

At the time, I was 41 yrs. old, and had been waiting for the Lord to bring me the right man. I had been a full-time missionary for 8 years, and had consecrated my heart to God, wanting only what He had for me and nothing less. For the previous 18 years, it was like God had had a wall of fire around me protecting me from wrong men, so any man getting through "the wall" was a big deal. After waiting on the Lord for so long, I couldn't have a counterfeit now.

As long phone calls between us continued, we decided we needed to meet in person, so 3 weeks later he flew into Atlanta to stay with a friend of his for 9 days. By the end of the 9 days, we had talked about everything. He had met and had dinner with 5 of my closest married couple friends/mentors, they had all given their approval of him, he had said the blessed words, "I love you" to me, and it was hook, line, and sinker for my heart. I was overwhelmed at all that had transpired so quickly, and wedding bells were in the air...

Despite the bumps we experienced over the next few months during our courtship, we had seemingly been able to talk through them with the help of others, and I was convinced I was following God into His perfect will for my life. So many miracles had happened leading up to the wedding to make the relationship possible...it was undeniable. And so, I packed everything up, moved to NY, and we married. I knew marriage wouldn't be easy, but I wanted God's will more than anything, and trusted His leadership over my life.

This is where the road got hard...and I mean HARD! It wasn't weeks or months into the marriage, but days into the honeymoon that the betrayal started happening. After three weeks, I had completely shut my heart down to him, and wanted out, but didn't see a way out. I thought I was stuck and had to stay because it was God's will, but at the same time, I was so mad at God...I felt betrayed by Him also. Deep feelings of hatred and pain filled my heart, and as the months and years went by, I became more and more buried under self-condemnation, anger, rage, bitterness and hopelessness...even to the point of wanting to die.

The cycle of abuse that I was living in was insidious, and the web of deception, manipulation, and control that was weaved around my mind and soul was so thick, I was certain I wasn't even a Christian anymore, and I definitely couldn't be a missionary with all of the sin in my heart. The enemy's voice was so loud in my head...

Valentine's Day had become an ever-increasing day of pain each year, and 4 years later we ended up separating that very day, Feb. 14, 2019. A year later after being back together for several months, we separated again on Feb.14, 2020. I couldn't see it at the time, but God was making a way of escape for me through it all, and graciously delivering me out of the marriage.

As the healing journey of my heart began, and Valentine's Day was approaching in 2021, deep pain and questions were resurfacing of all of the "whys" of the past few years. I sat down to try to quiet myself and journal, and asked the Lord to help me hear Him through all of the pain I was feeling, and I felt Him say these redemptive words....

"Michelle, Feb. 14th is Love Day, and I was removing everything that hindered True Love when I separated you on that day. I did it the first time on Feb. 14th two years ago, but he got back in, and so I removed him again on the same day because it's MY day. I am Love, and that day is about ME, and MY Love for you. You are worthy of REAL love, not a counterfeit. I was removing the false, so there was more room to fill you with the real!"

Wow, my heart was elated! God has just given me His perspective on the whole thing, and it changed everything. With those words of truth from God, I gained clarity and was able to make sense of other key things that had been holding my heart in bondage. And once my heart was getting free, my life started getting more free, and I was able to let go of physical items and dead things from the marriage that needed to go. It was a process, but God was walking me through it step by step, and giving me courage to face my fears. Even two days later, on Valentine's Day, the Lord gave me the word, "Don't fear ending for this is a divine ending...I am ending certain things so I can bring forth the NEW that I have intended in you."

Somewhere in all of this I remembered that our wedding song that we danced to was called, "No Longer Slaves" that said, "I'm no longer a slave to fear... I am a child of God." And then the bridge says:

You split the sea so I could walk right through it.

My fears were drowned in perfect Love.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing...

I am a child of God.

That is exactly what happened as I followed God out...He was delivering me from fear, and rooting me in my identity as a child of God, His beloved daughter. That journey of my identity going deeper in Him has been an ongoing process over the past 6 years, but it was the fruit of the painful suffering I went through in this season.

Today, I know without a doubt that it wasn't my strong love for God that kept me through this dark time, but His strong love for me! God and God alone held on to me - not letting me die, and not letting me walk away from Him. He was so merciful to me in my sin and brokenness, to keep me and protect me, and to win my heart back.

And now, it's my joy to celebrate Valentine's Day as the day that it truly is...HIS day of love! And after 6 years of deep healing and deliverance, I no longer have pain in my heart on this day, but rejoice knowing His love has set me free...free from fear and bondage, free to be me, and free to stand and say, "I am a child of God!" Hallelujah!

“For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba Father!” Rom. 8:15

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear.” 1 John 4:18

Prayer

Abba, thank you that you are a good, good Father, and that your perfect love sets us free from all fear. Thank you that you never stop fighting for us in the midst of our pain and brokenness, and that you are right there with us in it….faithful to hear our cry, and be our refuge, strength, and mighty deliverer. We love you!

Reflections

1.     Are there seasons or specific dates/times of the year that cause pain to resurface in your heart?

2.    Do you let that pain cause you to run closer to God for comfort and grace? Or to run away from Him? Why or why not?

3.    Is there anywhere in your heart that still feels like a slave to fear? What does God want you to know about it right now?